Dear Ask a Man:
I’ve been with my guy for a year now and we want to move in together. He thinks we should pool our money and buy a condo together. I’m not sure that’s a good idea right now. Will I risk the relationship if I say no?
- Conflicted about condos
Buying a piece of real estate is most people’s dream and the more money you have up front the better off you will be when it comes time to sell. That said, I’m afraid your guy has put you in a bit of a damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don’t pickle.
Most men think economically and to the moment, not worrying about the consequences down the road. We love “Geronimo!” situations – ask a guy about his favorite movie scenes and he’ll mention things like Slim Pickens riding the nuke bomb in “Dr. Strangelove” or “Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid” unwisely shooting their way out of that cave in Bolivia. It’s as if we are hard-wired to think like heroes, even when it’s dumb.
That is the case here.
There may not be any nuclear fallout or very many Bolivian soldiers getting in his way, but he is still seeing the event as a momentous thing that will mark his character in your eyes for years to come. By asking you to share a mortgage he’s showing you he can commit; he’s showing you he can be decisive; he’s showing you he’s willing to take the plunge. At the same time he’s asking you to believe in him, to let him be your go-to guy.
He’s also being a dumbass.
What happens if you break up? I know a couple who are in that process now and he is holding the house for ransom so to speak, not agreeing to any price that is offered. Men (and women) can be vindictive that way. It could get as messy as going through a divorce when there are kids involved.
People should share feelings, or dinners – not mortgage payments, at least not until you’ve put quite a few years behind you. Will saying no risk your relationship? Maybe. But more likely, it won’t hurt that much. If he’s like most men, he’ll be relieved that you didn’t jump on his suggestion.
Every man’s win-win is when he makes an offer he hopes you’ll refuse and you actually do. It’s a gamble, but what a great victory if he can pull it off. He comes up smelling like a rose either way: he looks like a guy who can commit, but he also looks like a guy who understands your needs! And he’ll probably have a week’s worth of over-compensating behavior coming his way because you’re going to feel guilty as hell.
Relationships are a dark adventure for men. We try to understand what you want but we really don’t know. We try to give you what you need but we really aren’t sure what that is. In the end we make guesses or bets and hope it works out for us. Sometimes it does. Sometimes we just end up with mortgages.
Category: Ask a Man