Is it alright to be a housewife?
I admit, I’m prejudice against housewives. It’s an uneasy confession. I truly want to believe that I am the sort of feminist that values women’s choices and I’m a firm advocate of putting family first. So why does my inner critic scoff every time I hear about the travails of a stay-at-home mom?
I know I’m not alone. We live in an era where it’s just not cool to be a housewife. I flaunt my inability to clean. I know other working moms who leave a weekend’s worth of dishes and laundry for the nanny to handle on Mondays.
Even most stay-at-home moms I know wouldn’t identify with the term housewife and prove it by keeping themselves occupied with a dizzying number of child- and home-related activities. A New York Times article recounts how Swedish journalist Peter Letmark, working on a series about modern day parenting, could not find a housewife to interview. “Housewives are a near-extinct species in Sweden,” Letmark told the New York Times, “and the few who still do exist don’t really dare to go public with it.”
Despite my disdain for housewife-ry, I still fantasize about being one. Most of my female friends juggling double duty of work and kids do the same. The blogger of “My Big Fat Secret” recently posted on the same desire.
After admitting to these aspirations, most women follow up with the disclaimer: even with all the money and domestic help in the world, there are many things I would love to accomplish that don’t necessarily come with a paycheck. Translation: I would still work, but not for cash.
I know I’ve uttered that sentiment in the past. But I think we need to wake up and smell the Javex. If you’re not being paid for your work or talent, and you are at home with the kids, cooking dinner and folding laundry, doesn’t that make you a housewife? Twist my imaginary apron, I believe it does.
So this is the question: What the heck is wrong with it? Why are those who step away from corporate life so quickly disdained? What’s wrong with leisurely dropping the kids off at school and then (cue scandalous music) grabbing a coffee and reading the paper instead of tripping over your outdated Jimmy Choos to get to work on time?
I’m not referring to those professional stay-at-home moms that are busier than God and need a BlackBerry per child to keep on top of their social schedule (I’ll leave that tirade for another day.) I just want to know when housewife became a four letter word….not that I want to be one, are you kidding? No. Never.
Category: Career Girl
I find the very concept of “housewives” very disturbing for a reason: around 50 percent of marriages end in divorce … so why would any woman quit or eschew a career and trust that a man will take care of her? If a man expected his wife to bring home the bacon and provide the health insurance, he’d be called a loser, weakling, user, slacker, no-life, etc. If we call it for one gender, we have to call it for both.
I’m at the stage of life where I go out with divorced men who don’t know what to do with helpless ex-wives who’ve been out of the workforce too long and who cannot support themselves. And ultimately, I can’t help but to wonder if the breadwinner/housewife arrangement really is a level playing field for both men and women. I think that a lot of men do want to be married to women they consider their equals and peers — not to a combination housekeeper/nanny. I have a dear friend who’s going through this now (married for almost 20 years to her h.s. sweetheart), and I don’t know what’s going to happen to her after the divorce. I don’t know where she’ll go. I don’t know how she’ll find a job.
Thank you for the valuable insight. I agree and worry about the housewives I know. Even without divorce, I have noticed among housewives that there is a moment of self-evaluation that arrives when the kids are grown up and no longer need a full-time caregiver. The impact for the SAHM or HW can be devastating.
I don’t know if they are disdained – I think it depends on the circles you move in. I have friends in the suburbs with at least 3 kids apiece who see being a full-time mom as their job. In those places it can be the working mother who seems out of place. The more conservative the area, the more OK it is to be a housewife.
I used to think like you, “That poor woman over this is just a SAHM. Why would she give up her Ph.D and stay home?!” Until I became a trailing spouse sent overseas for her husband’s job (he was the only one working at the time while I was still in grad school). Yep, two kids later, I’m a SAHM with a masters degree, and still a trailing spouse as my husband climbs the ladder that I could have been climbing. Most days I have no regrets and realize how lucky I am to see my kids, set my own schedule, give my time and expertise to kids, schools and organizations that mean something to me, learn new skills (I could really go on and on). If I have a bad day, well, then it’s time to re-tool, examine what I need and change it up a bit. I set my own challenges – I’m not at home watching tv while the kids are screaming.
I loved the Ralph and Ricky Lauren interview on Oprah – Ralph and their three kids all emphasized how they would not be the successes that they are without Ricky taking on a role at home. Who is the first person people thank for their success? That’s right, Mama! Women CAN influence the world from home and be happy living a life defined by – herself. Will I return to the working world – perhaps. For now, I fill my life with activities I adore and give my talents. It really is networking for the future.
Thanks Christine. I appreciate the thought you put into this response. I think you are right in suggesting that I should reexamine my preconceived notions of SAHMs. I have spent time at home with my kids when they were babies and I know that it’s certainly work to do so. As I tried to express, I’m torn on the subject and I assume many other women are as well. Thanks for your insight.
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I have just recently became a stay at home mom, my son is due to arrive in May and I cannot wait for the first few years to stay at home with him and raise him- not somebody who I don’t know. I will be there to see him walk, talk and do so many other things for the first time. I am not a failure, I have a great marriage and will return to be successful in the workforce once my kids are in school full time (I want 2-3 kids). One thing I remember about growing up is that my mom was always there while most of my other friends went home to empty houses. There is no shame in either being a stay and home mom or going back to work- every woman has the right to choose to do either way and not be judged for it, that’s the empowering thing about choice and freedom.
I can’t even read the comments because I know I’ll be offended after the first line of the top comment.
For one thing, even if you have one toddler, being a housewife is NOT leisurely dropping anything off and leisurely drinking anything. I have breaks throughout the day, like right now clearly, because I’m on the internet at 11:30 am, but that’s because… wait for it… I don’t get off work in the evening. It goes on all night. I wake up every 2-3 hours for my 8 month old who is in the middle of an impressive growth spurt and hates baby food with a passion.
Let me lead you through a typical day.
I wake up at 4:30 am (keep in mind I went to bed around 2 am) and make my husband breakfast, a thermos of coffee, and pack his lunch (which is huge because he works long hours). I sit with him and go over anything he needs to do differently with his day because he works 30 minutes away and we just have one car, so quick errands like bread or milk he does on his way home. He also has to remember if he needs to get gas because we live in a rural area and there’s only a couple options on his route at 5 am. Then he leaves and then the baby wakes up. I feed the baby and play with him for a bit because he always plays for at least 15 min except at his 2 am feeding. Then we take a little nap together.
Then I wake up for good around 7:30. Then I begin my rounds.
I start with the living room because it’s seen my people who come over, obviously. I always halfass mop because I don’t want the newly crawling baby eating dirt, so I scrub the floor & the kitchen floor since they’re connected. Then I sweep everything to be sure and then I vacuum the big living room rug. Then I dirt devil the crannies. Then I dust everything. Before I can dust I clean everything off – the desk, bookshelves, night stands, TV stand, etc.
Then the kitchen. Clean off the table, scrub it, clean the counters, scrub them, wash all the dishes (I don’t have a dishwasher) and put them all away. I check the fridge weekly for expired foods or messes and take care of that.
Then I do laundry. We hang the clothes on a line so that takes some time.
Then I go to the bathroom and scrub the floor and counters and clean the mirrors and reorganize anything that’s out of place like my husband’s tossed around socks or workclothes or makeup or hair products I’ve left out and put them where they go. I take care of the cat’s litterbox.
Oh don’t forget my lunch in there. and by now the baby has needed to eat 2 more times, at least 1 of which is baby food, which takes about an hour.
Then I take a huge break during Roger’s afternoon nap but this isn’t a break. It’s me sitting down and looking at my daily planner to see what calls, emails and errands need done. I run an ebay resale store that I sell antiques & clothing & baby lots on and I have to keep track of what sells for what and when I have to go ship things. I also have ‘special’ chores on the planner like “organize the dresser” or “Hang up the clothes in the closet that collected in the corners” or “Clean the bottom cupboards in the kitchen” or “organize the bookshelf” or “Baby proof the bathroom” or “organize the laundry / work / ebay / storage room” etc etc.
I’m also a full time online student and I have to do schoolwork and I usually do that around then.
Then the baby wakes up. I feed him and let him play. Then I start making dinner and I don’t make frozen food, I make good food, and I’m a slow cook so I have to start dinner around 3.
It’s done right around 5 and then my husband comes home. He works as a welder so he’s always disgustingly dirty so I help him get ready for his shower and take care of his dirty clothes etc and bring him a drink while he sits down and relaxes.
It’s nothing about ~being dependent on men~ or ~waiting on him.~ The household stuff needs done and someone who doesn’t work 5 am to 5 pm needs to do it. His job is physically exhausting so yes I do throw in things other women might find ~so awful~ like taking off his boots for him. I have functioned without him and I could again, but that’s not the point. To think that this is a leisurely job or a fun job or a degrading job is stupid. It’s harder than any job I’ve ever held.
Mind you I do get paid in fabulous shopping sprees, expensive dinners, and great sex.
I organize everything. Both of our school, any appointments, any errands, any and all meal planning, grocery shopping, what we are doing over the weekend, what the baby needs to have bought, what I need, what my husband needs, everything. I have the world’s hugest planner with 2 sheets for each DAY. Anyone who is jealous is an idiot, unless it’s the caring for their family part that they envy. To think the workload is less than a ‘real, paying job’ is ignorant.
Also I am pretty sure a woman’s choice to spend all her time caring for her family is for one, a hugely respectable decision that shows the ultimate caring, and 2, HERS TO MAKE.
Hi Ellen,
Thank you for taking the time to write this out. You make a great argument and you’re right, it’s hard work and exhausting. Your last line made me laugh.